Skipping church, again

I'm sitting at home, again. It's a Sunday morning and I confess that I didn't even try to get up and go to church... again. I've almost given up on getting plugged in. On one hand, I want to. I know it is what I'm called to do as a Christian but I just don't have it within me right now.

My plans were, and still are, to do a lot of cleaning here at the house. Good plans, worthy plans and plans that so far I have avoided. I've stayed in bed and loved on my dogs some. I've surfed the 'net some. And I've listened to some Youtube music. Basically, I've done nothing.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. What I have and what I may want to have in the future. And what I probably will never have. For me, it is less about stuff and more about relationships. I see friends who do stuff with friends. That seems elusive. I see friends with families enjoying traditions. I never had that. I see friends inviting people into their homes. Nope. Can't see it.

Why not? What happened along the way to cause me to be in this place today? In so many ways, I've become that part of Mother that I detested growing up.

The house is a real bother. Granted, I came into a home cluttered with Mother's stuff and Gene's stuff. And now it has my stuff. I feel like what I have a feeling Mother felt like all those years... overwhelmed by the mountain of cleaning and sorting that needed to be done. Where do I start? Where do I find the energy? It seems out of reach, just beyond my grasp.

Meanwhile, I've been again feeling like I want to process information but just can't get into it. I can read the first two paragraphs but never get into the full story. Like I've said before, it's like reading a book through wax paper. I can see the words. They just aren't clear enough to tell what they mean. This is especially true on my technical projects.

I also feel like life is a swimming pool and I'm standing on the side wanting to jump in but just can't actually do it. I may walk down a step or two, wetting my feet and ankles but not going in over my knees. I've experienced life before where I dived in and got my head wet. I used to be a pretty good swimmer. But now, about all I can handle is sitting on the side of the pool, dangling my feet in the water. I'm tired of it but I don't feel enough fight left to even think of changing.

And I find that sad. I truly feel I have lots to offer. But a whole truckload of “why bother” keeps me on the sideline.

Yesterday, it hit me that Mother may not have used the house clutter as a defense mechanism, insulating her from deep relationships. That was always my thought. Then, I looked at my own life. I enjoy people. Granted, I don't like crowds much any more. And I hate social settings where we're to mingle and chat. But, I love interacting with people. But when I go home, I'm worn out. It's not that I don't want people in my life, it's that I simply don't have any energy left to do anything more than the minimum.

I can see now how Mother had enough energy to go to Scotty's drug store, LaBella's or Arby's to see people, but that was all. When she got home, she was spent. Out of energy. She retreated into her messy little world in hopes of recharging her batteries. Instead, the messy house just served to drain them even more. Yes, she longed to have a nice and tidy house, but that was beyond just elusive. It wasn't even something she could dream about. It was downright unrealistic. Because that's how I feel a lot of the time.

NOTE: After writing this, I read the Word some. Prayed a little. Then I got up, did some laundry, washed some dishes and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors. Twice (they needed it!). Now, I'm cleaning up in other rooms. I'm making progress.