I've written more than once about how I enjoy small town cafes. There's something about sitting down for a meal in a place with no more tables than fingers to count them on one hand. At least around here, folks will strike up a conversation regardless of whether or not you're a regular. I like that.
Today, I had lunch in downtown Spearsville, LA. Big city. There's a stop sign and everything! The local cafe is also a gas station and general store. Not a convenience store but more like the small town grocery from half a century ago. They have burgers and such but I elected to go with their “meat and two” plate lunch. This time, it was a choice of meats and then corn plus rice'n'gravy. Yes, a starch and a starch topped with more carbs. For a low carb guy I looked at it and gobbled it up knowing I'll pay for it later. Oh, and fresh banana pie. I ate a bite or two but had a feeling I'd overdose on carbs and left a bunch on my plate.
When I walked in there was only one other guy already seated eating lunch. Kinda scary looking at first. Long hair, ZZ-top style beard, overalls and a T-shirt. We smiled and I sat at the other table. At this cafe there are only two tables. Both of them the six foot folding tables like in the church fellowship hall. It was clear that folks come here to eat and visit.
No surprise to those who know me, I struck up a conversation with the bearded mountain man (he looked the part). One thing led to another and we started talking about another favorite cafe on the opposite end of the parish, on the east bank of the Ouachita River in Sterlington. That one is Marvin Simpson's One Stop, home of some kick butt french fries back when I lived across the river over on Bayou Bartholomew.
As it turns out, this rural wild man leads the Thursday night Bible study at Marvin's cafe! Marvin had told me about it but I never have been able to make it. Small world. We both agreed that Marvin is “good people”. This study leader is also active at the Biker Church on Highway 165 North in Monroe. No surprise there, either. He looks the part.
We chatted about what the Lord was doing in each of our lives for a while before he had to get back to work driving a garbage truck for the parish.
Some other older men came in and we visited about the auto repair shop that used to be across the street. It was operated by a really nice guy but had closed recently. One of the local dealerships offered him a job he couldn't refuse. It was agreed that he was a top notch mechanic. That opened the door for discussing the merits of computers on tractors. Something about a farm implement relying on computer sensors to run just didn't seem right. I agreed and commented that I was in my 26 year old one ton Ford that didn't have any type of electronics on it beyond a radio and that didn't even work.
When I went to check out, I noticed the lady behind the counter was wearing a church T-shirt. Nice. We talked about the Lord and she explained that her church in Bernice was non-denominational, choosing to emphasize points we Christians have in common rather than the ones where we disagree. I agreed.
She commented that as times look grim in the country we'll need to rely on each other. That opened the door for sharing about my work with renewable energy and how I have friends who are into the “preparedness movement”. That means being prepared for natural, political or social upheaval. Not survivalists... but being prepared as a good steward of what God has given us. She said she's already canning her own food and wants to learn about local vegetation for food. Before we could talk about the new move toward permaculture (using nature to work with nature instead of using a bunch of chemicals), she need to answer a phone call and I needed to get back to the shop. We exchanged email addresses to swap tips on being prepared for the big “what if” our society seems to be heading toward.
With that, I hopped back into my one-ton flatbed truck, easing off from a stop in second. Nobody uses granny-low first gear unless you've got a load. I clicked on up through the gears to fourth and cruised back to my shop at a brisk 35 miles an hour. A two lane road, sunshine, full belly and my arm hanging out the window. Oh, and my Ray Ban aviation type sunshades, of course. Life is good. Nice folks, too. I have a feeling I've found a new favorite spot for lunch.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
To Be Special To Someone
I've been single most of my adult life. Let's do the math. For a few more weeks, I'll still be 52 years old. Let's say “adulthood” starts at 21. I didn't get married until I was in my mid-30s and that only lasted four years. Then I rebounded into a horrible marriage that blew up in about three years. That means out of 31 years as an adult, I wore a wedding ring for only seven of those years. To get technical, that's 22.6 percent of my adult life. Or put another way- about a day and a half out of one week, less than one week out of a full month.
Next month will wrap up a full decade of being “single again”... again.
I never set out to be what some would call a “confirmed bachelor”. All I ever really wanted was to have a wife, a couple of kids and a mortgage. Life just didn't turn out that way.
Today, I have some really great female friends. I'm truly thankful for them. But at the end of the day, I go home alone. I'll admit that sometimes I'd like to have a romantic relationship. But, I struggle with the same stuff that gave me an ache in my heart back in high school and college. Female friendships are great but when they start dating, guess who takes a back seat? That other guy is “special” and I go home alone.
Thinking this through, I realized that what I am longing for is not so much the holding hands and kissing. Don't get me wrong, I love the sound of that tune! But that's not what defines a “special relationship” to me. And I definitely am not longing for the internal battle to stay celibate when the kissing moves to... well... more kissing. Yeah, call me old fashioned but I believe some things are left to “licensed adults” only. And not until then. What I really long for is to be “special” in one person's heart. To be set apart from the rest. Not just a friend but that “special person” in her life. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my friendships. And I know they appreciate me. But I'm not that “special one”. I'm not the last one they say “good night” to at the end of the day, albeit over the phone.
Back when I was married, I was typically on the road about a hundred nights out of the year. Most trips were four or five days long. For years, I'd watched how other guys would hit the road and forget to call in. More importantly, I heard wives complain about it. Not me! Sometimes I'd call during the day and for sure at the end of the day. I love my work and was typically excited about seeing old friends on the different projects I visited. And I wanted to hear about my wife's day. I knew that relationships on the road were tough and I worked hard to maintain connection while I was away. More than anything, I wanted to connect with my “special one”. I wanted to be reminded that somewhere in the world, there was one person who was glad I was safe that night. Someone who was glad I was in their life.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when I'm on the road and pull off at some motel next to yet another interstate somewhere. They all look the same. Checking in and settling in for the night is pretty much on autopilot. Then as I wind down for the night, I realize there is no one on the face of the planet who knows where I am. I'm all alone. It's not that none of my friends care. I'm secure in that. But their lives spin on their own. And when I'm part of their lives, that's great. But we're not in touch every day.
Maybe that's what I long for even after all these years.. an “every day” relationship. More than anything, I long to be considered truly special by someone. Set apart, unique, cherished differently than the rest.
Then it dawns on me that I already have that and have had it all along. But it's not a girl somewhere on the other end of the phone. It's a Him. It's my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. What I'm longing for is what He wants with me right now... an intimate relationship. To my Father, I am set apart, unique and cherished differently than the rest. He does think of me as special.
Yesterday, I wrote that until I can abide in a relationship with my Lord, I can't fully love and appreciate someone else. Now I'm thinking my whole yearning for connection with someone is really a longing to be connected with Him. It's deeper than a guy and a girl on the phone. More importantly, it's about being connected at a deeper level than is possible in a relationship with another human being.
I want to grow in my experience of how He's crazy about me. How He's excited to hear my voice on the other end of the phone line. How He can't wait to hear about my day. Hey, He even knows the names of all the construction workers I was glad to see and even remembers what projects we worked on in the past. I want to learn to a deeper level that He's glad I called. I've tasted that type of relationship and know it to some degree. But I hear Him calling me to move deeper in it.
I'm reminded of a magazine interview from almost thirty years ago with author Sheldon VanAuken, a friend of CS Lewis's. In that interview, he shared about how we long to climb the mountain. We take the climbing lessons, buy the gear and study the maps. Day after day, week after week, month after month, we look forward to our climbing expedition. Then finally, one day, we make the climb. But when we get to the top, we find it's just a bunch of rocks. What we're longing for is joy- the kind of joy that only comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I frequently use Pascal's great quote: “Man is created with a God-shaped vacuum that can only be filled by the Person of Jesus Christ.” That's very applicable to a person first coming to Jesus. But I'm seeing that it goes a lot deeper than an initial introduction. That vacuum and His filling it extends throughout life. Again, I'm reminded that it can only be filled with Him. Anything else is just a poor substitute.
And just as my relationships with others are only as good as my relationship with Him, I have a feeling that my desire to be “special” to someone else is only a dim reflection of the relationship He wants to enjoy with me. Again, if I'm getting my needs met by Him first and foremost, it takes the pressure off the rest of life. It sets the stage for stuff to flow more naturally, like water in a stream.
Will I ever find that “special someone”? I sure hope so. But for now, I see I need to pour myself more into my relationship with Someone else first and foremost. And let the future flow naturally from Him.
Next month will wrap up a full decade of being “single again”... again.
I never set out to be what some would call a “confirmed bachelor”. All I ever really wanted was to have a wife, a couple of kids and a mortgage. Life just didn't turn out that way.
Today, I have some really great female friends. I'm truly thankful for them. But at the end of the day, I go home alone. I'll admit that sometimes I'd like to have a romantic relationship. But, I struggle with the same stuff that gave me an ache in my heart back in high school and college. Female friendships are great but when they start dating, guess who takes a back seat? That other guy is “special” and I go home alone.
Thinking this through, I realized that what I am longing for is not so much the holding hands and kissing. Don't get me wrong, I love the sound of that tune! But that's not what defines a “special relationship” to me. And I definitely am not longing for the internal battle to stay celibate when the kissing moves to... well... more kissing. Yeah, call me old fashioned but I believe some things are left to “licensed adults” only. And not until then. What I really long for is to be “special” in one person's heart. To be set apart from the rest. Not just a friend but that “special person” in her life. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my friendships. And I know they appreciate me. But I'm not that “special one”. I'm not the last one they say “good night” to at the end of the day, albeit over the phone.
Back when I was married, I was typically on the road about a hundred nights out of the year. Most trips were four or five days long. For years, I'd watched how other guys would hit the road and forget to call in. More importantly, I heard wives complain about it. Not me! Sometimes I'd call during the day and for sure at the end of the day. I love my work and was typically excited about seeing old friends on the different projects I visited. And I wanted to hear about my wife's day. I knew that relationships on the road were tough and I worked hard to maintain connection while I was away. More than anything, I wanted to connect with my “special one”. I wanted to be reminded that somewhere in the world, there was one person who was glad I was safe that night. Someone who was glad I was in their life.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when I'm on the road and pull off at some motel next to yet another interstate somewhere. They all look the same. Checking in and settling in for the night is pretty much on autopilot. Then as I wind down for the night, I realize there is no one on the face of the planet who knows where I am. I'm all alone. It's not that none of my friends care. I'm secure in that. But their lives spin on their own. And when I'm part of their lives, that's great. But we're not in touch every day.
Maybe that's what I long for even after all these years.. an “every day” relationship. More than anything, I long to be considered truly special by someone. Set apart, unique, cherished differently than the rest.
Then it dawns on me that I already have that and have had it all along. But it's not a girl somewhere on the other end of the phone. It's a Him. It's my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. What I'm longing for is what He wants with me right now... an intimate relationship. To my Father, I am set apart, unique and cherished differently than the rest. He does think of me as special.
Yesterday, I wrote that until I can abide in a relationship with my Lord, I can't fully love and appreciate someone else. Now I'm thinking my whole yearning for connection with someone is really a longing to be connected with Him. It's deeper than a guy and a girl on the phone. More importantly, it's about being connected at a deeper level than is possible in a relationship with another human being.
I want to grow in my experience of how He's crazy about me. How He's excited to hear my voice on the other end of the phone line. How He can't wait to hear about my day. Hey, He even knows the names of all the construction workers I was glad to see and even remembers what projects we worked on in the past. I want to learn to a deeper level that He's glad I called. I've tasted that type of relationship and know it to some degree. But I hear Him calling me to move deeper in it.
I'm reminded of a magazine interview from almost thirty years ago with author Sheldon VanAuken, a friend of CS Lewis's. In that interview, he shared about how we long to climb the mountain. We take the climbing lessons, buy the gear and study the maps. Day after day, week after week, month after month, we look forward to our climbing expedition. Then finally, one day, we make the climb. But when we get to the top, we find it's just a bunch of rocks. What we're longing for is joy- the kind of joy that only comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I frequently use Pascal's great quote: “Man is created with a God-shaped vacuum that can only be filled by the Person of Jesus Christ.” That's very applicable to a person first coming to Jesus. But I'm seeing that it goes a lot deeper than an initial introduction. That vacuum and His filling it extends throughout life. Again, I'm reminded that it can only be filled with Him. Anything else is just a poor substitute.
And just as my relationships with others are only as good as my relationship with Him, I have a feeling that my desire to be “special” to someone else is only a dim reflection of the relationship He wants to enjoy with me. Again, if I'm getting my needs met by Him first and foremost, it takes the pressure off the rest of life. It sets the stage for stuff to flow more naturally, like water in a stream.
Will I ever find that “special someone”? I sure hope so. But for now, I see I need to pour myself more into my relationship with Someone else first and foremost. And let the future flow naturally from Him.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Abiding... What Does It Mean?
A friend and I were talking about abiding in God the other day. We both love the book of John and how the central theme seems to be abiding in Jesus. Good stuff. But, what does it mean? What does abiding look like? Or maybe better, what does it not look like?
Well, I take some cues from this friendship. We're really great friends but like most adult friendships, we don't get to see each other that often. Texts and brief emails are great. Short phone calls are OK and long phone calls are better. But truly abiding as a friend involves some concentrated one on one time. No TV. No problem solving session or any other "work" type thing. Just two friends sharing from the heart. Talking... relating... connecting. This is the stuff of real relationship, not just being an acquaintance.
Being a relational junkie, I never can seem to get enough of our one-on-one time, what some would call "quality time". But, that's not reality. We both have lives to lead. This is where the text messages, phone calls and emails fill the gap. If that's all we had, I wouldn't really call us close friends. All of this in the mix is what defines a relationship.
Abiding also means being there for the long haul. I'm fortunate to have close friends I've known for decades; many of them for well over half my life. They've known me through the good times and the bad times... and we're still friends. Again, we may not get to see each other as often as we'd like, but there's never a moment's doubt as to whether their friendship is real. That's not to say you can't consider new friends "true" friends. It's just that there's nothing like long term friends, those with whom you've been through thick and thin.
Frequency and intimacy aren't anywhere close to the same thing. I sometimes wonder if the young people today understand that there's a lot more to communicating than texts and tweets. A lot more. They may have frequency but do they have depth?
Likewise, I wonder if folks understand that a relationship with God is much more than just prayer that seems like texts or tweets. Or, as Bob Bennett called them in a song: shotgun prayers. Don't get me wrong, I believe God hears all prayers. But, is there any real intimacy going on with a prayer that sounds like a tweet? Is there any intimacy if the prayer is only one-sided? I've had friends whose prayers sounded more like ordering lunch at the drive through window at Wendy's than an intimate exchange between a Father and a son.
I've often said that the biggest area where I failed as a husband and step-father was losing my intimacy with my heavenly Father. As a single guy, I had a relationship with Him that really was abiding. My life was filled with quick shotgun prayers as well as deep times of one-on-one prayer. My prayer life was a lot more than just a one way conversation. It was rich and true. And shortly after moving in to an existing family I found that it was really hard to maintain with other people in the house.
Before long, I started looking to my spouse for the stuff I used to get from Him. Call it "meaning" or whatever, I looked to her to fill the holes in my heart that only He could fill. OK, I admit it... I'm lazy. I could see her whereas I couldn't truly see God.
Here's what I've been learning lately: it's easier to have a relationship with someone you can see, touch, hear and smell. But that relationship is only as good as my relationship first with Him. Do I come to my Father first or do I run to my friends first? Big question and the answer says a lot. Ultimately, who is my source of identity? My source in life? If it is anything or anyone but God, I'm heading in the wrong direction and headed for a fall.
But here's where life starts moving beyond existence. An abiding relationship with my Lord means a real openness where I can come clean with Him, confessing my sins and honestly wanting to turn away. Being in a relationship with Him means consistently being blown away at how great He is... and reminding Him that's how I feel about Him. Abiding in Him means talking as well as listening. Hearing what He says about me is what gives me true identity, for His words are truth, based on perfect love.
Abiding means being honest and spending quality time together. I wish I could say that I'm at a point where I feel I'm spending all the quality time as I'd like with God, but I'm not there yet. But my quiet time with Him is growing. My time in the Word is coming back. As we study the Word, it's about learning all the facts about Him but even more, learning about His heart. As we grow and abide in Him, we truly do get a glimpse of God's heart.
I'm seeing more than ever before that my ability to have a quality relationship with any person is only as strong as my relationship first with Him. By abiding in Him first, I'm coming to the relationship complete. Not fixed, mind you. But complete in that I have everything I need in Him. Of course, there's a really good chance that God may provide what I need through those close friendships... but it grows out of me coming to Him first and then Him providing through the friends.
OK, once again I've sidetracked my own blog. It happens a lot. What I'm now seeing is that abiding in Him (being in a passionate and growing relationship with my Heavenly Father) must come first and foremost. Not just knowing about Him but knowing Him! And until I can be at a place where my relationship with Him is solid enough to be unaffected by my relationships with other people, I'm not able to be a true friend. This is especially true of a romantic relationship. As soon as I start looking to them for stuff that I can only find in Him, I'm doomed.
I've been single again almost a decade. I've worked hard to learn from my mistakes. I've also worked hard to become the man He'd have me be, regardless of my marital status. But, I'll be really honest- I'd love to have a partner for life. I'd love it more than almost anything- except for an abiding relationship with Him. Until I'm at a place where my intimacy with Him is unwavering, I really don't have a lot to offer a woman. Sure, I might look alright at first but going even a short distance on my strength, it turns ugly really fast. But remaining first and foremost in that abiding walk with Him, I can bring to the relationship more than I need to take out. I come with a belly full of living water (John 4:10).
I ain't there yet... but I'm heading in the right direction.
Well, I take some cues from this friendship. We're really great friends but like most adult friendships, we don't get to see each other that often. Texts and brief emails are great. Short phone calls are OK and long phone calls are better. But truly abiding as a friend involves some concentrated one on one time. No TV. No problem solving session or any other "work" type thing. Just two friends sharing from the heart. Talking... relating... connecting. This is the stuff of real relationship, not just being an acquaintance.
Being a relational junkie, I never can seem to get enough of our one-on-one time, what some would call "quality time". But, that's not reality. We both have lives to lead. This is where the text messages, phone calls and emails fill the gap. If that's all we had, I wouldn't really call us close friends. All of this in the mix is what defines a relationship.
Abiding also means being there for the long haul. I'm fortunate to have close friends I've known for decades; many of them for well over half my life. They've known me through the good times and the bad times... and we're still friends. Again, we may not get to see each other as often as we'd like, but there's never a moment's doubt as to whether their friendship is real. That's not to say you can't consider new friends "true" friends. It's just that there's nothing like long term friends, those with whom you've been through thick and thin.
Frequency and intimacy aren't anywhere close to the same thing. I sometimes wonder if the young people today understand that there's a lot more to communicating than texts and tweets. A lot more. They may have frequency but do they have depth?
Likewise, I wonder if folks understand that a relationship with God is much more than just prayer that seems like texts or tweets. Or, as Bob Bennett called them in a song: shotgun prayers. Don't get me wrong, I believe God hears all prayers. But, is there any real intimacy going on with a prayer that sounds like a tweet? Is there any intimacy if the prayer is only one-sided? I've had friends whose prayers sounded more like ordering lunch at the drive through window at Wendy's than an intimate exchange between a Father and a son.
I've often said that the biggest area where I failed as a husband and step-father was losing my intimacy with my heavenly Father. As a single guy, I had a relationship with Him that really was abiding. My life was filled with quick shotgun prayers as well as deep times of one-on-one prayer. My prayer life was a lot more than just a one way conversation. It was rich and true. And shortly after moving in to an existing family I found that it was really hard to maintain with other people in the house.
Before long, I started looking to my spouse for the stuff I used to get from Him. Call it "meaning" or whatever, I looked to her to fill the holes in my heart that only He could fill. OK, I admit it... I'm lazy. I could see her whereas I couldn't truly see God.
Here's what I've been learning lately: it's easier to have a relationship with someone you can see, touch, hear and smell. But that relationship is only as good as my relationship first with Him. Do I come to my Father first or do I run to my friends first? Big question and the answer says a lot. Ultimately, who is my source of identity? My source in life? If it is anything or anyone but God, I'm heading in the wrong direction and headed for a fall.
But here's where life starts moving beyond existence. An abiding relationship with my Lord means a real openness where I can come clean with Him, confessing my sins and honestly wanting to turn away. Being in a relationship with Him means consistently being blown away at how great He is... and reminding Him that's how I feel about Him. Abiding in Him means talking as well as listening. Hearing what He says about me is what gives me true identity, for His words are truth, based on perfect love.
Abiding means being honest and spending quality time together. I wish I could say that I'm at a point where I feel I'm spending all the quality time as I'd like with God, but I'm not there yet. But my quiet time with Him is growing. My time in the Word is coming back. As we study the Word, it's about learning all the facts about Him but even more, learning about His heart. As we grow and abide in Him, we truly do get a glimpse of God's heart.
I'm seeing more than ever before that my ability to have a quality relationship with any person is only as strong as my relationship first with Him. By abiding in Him first, I'm coming to the relationship complete. Not fixed, mind you. But complete in that I have everything I need in Him. Of course, there's a really good chance that God may provide what I need through those close friendships... but it grows out of me coming to Him first and then Him providing through the friends.
OK, once again I've sidetracked my own blog. It happens a lot. What I'm now seeing is that abiding in Him (being in a passionate and growing relationship with my Heavenly Father) must come first and foremost. Not just knowing about Him but knowing Him! And until I can be at a place where my relationship with Him is solid enough to be unaffected by my relationships with other people, I'm not able to be a true friend. This is especially true of a romantic relationship. As soon as I start looking to them for stuff that I can only find in Him, I'm doomed.
I've been single again almost a decade. I've worked hard to learn from my mistakes. I've also worked hard to become the man He'd have me be, regardless of my marital status. But, I'll be really honest- I'd love to have a partner for life. I'd love it more than almost anything- except for an abiding relationship with Him. Until I'm at a place where my intimacy with Him is unwavering, I really don't have a lot to offer a woman. Sure, I might look alright at first but going even a short distance on my strength, it turns ugly really fast. But remaining first and foremost in that abiding walk with Him, I can bring to the relationship more than I need to take out. I come with a belly full of living water (John 4:10).
I ain't there yet... but I'm heading in the right direction.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
