Edwin Edwards, Fidel Castro and me

Note: I wrote this back in 2011, I think. It has been collecting dust in the "Drafts" file. I decided to polish it up a bit and hit the "Publish" button. 

It seems everyone jokes about the corrupt nature of Louisiana politics. And who gets named more than former Governor Edwin Edwards? No question, he was a crooked politician. Some would say "crooked politician" is a redundancy. Well, that's a gross generalization and not always true.

Living in north Louisiana, the Baton Rouge crowd of political leaders were only names and images seen on the news or in the paper. They weren't real people to me. But, one of my friends down in Baton Rouge has shown me a different perspective. She agrees that so many of them are corrupt now but she and her family have known a lot of these guys when they were starting out. And they were nice guys.

She says they didn't start out bad. But that bad crept up on them.

I also read an article about the sister of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. She said he wasn't so bad at first. His initial intention was to help, not to become some brutal ruler. But, in order to remain in power he had to get lined up with the communists. That's when the brutality really came on strong.

Although I was never a fan of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, I have a feeling they started out wanting to share the Gospel with people. Making gazillions of dollars and living a truly rude lifestyle (including gold plated bathroom fixtures and an air conditioned dog house) wasn't part of their life plan when the young couple was in college. They were probably doing revivals and retreats, ministering wherever they could. But, they got bigger and bigger and somewhere along the way, they got off track. Way off track... but I contend with at least a sliver of good intentions still hanging on.

The same could probably be said of Jimmy Swaggart, Larry Lea and a host of other preachers who grew a bit big for their britches. Bob Tilton? I don't know. I get the feeling he's always been a crook. But, that's just my opinion.

Standing on the outside looking in, I get the feeling these people of power (political or religious) probably started out heading in the right direction. But somewhere along the way, all that power and prestige took over. And decadence crept in.

I'm no gardener, but it's like they kept growing their garden bigger and bigger. And while they were busy expanding their territory, they didn't notice the weeds starting to grow. Before long they were growing more weeds than crops. No longer did they have anything good like fruit and vegetables.

So, was all that growth worth it?

In looking at these public figures, I have a feeling they became surrounded by people wanting to ride the wave of their notoriety for a slice of fame as well. And the adrenalin rush of power closed their ears to reason. Pride is a tough act to follow.

Does that mean we can't grow our business, career, ministry or life big time? Not at all. It's just a tougher gig. The bigger you get, the harder it is to juggle all those balls in the air. Through a series of hard times, I've found out rather painfully that I have a limit on how many things I can juggle at the same time. But, that doesn't mean you can't juggle a load more than me.

I look at stories about Christian teacher and author Joyce Meyer. The St. Louis Post Dispatch did a scathing series of articles on the lavish lifestyle and general lack of accountability by those closest to Joyce. If half of what they wrote was true, the ministry had big problems in the wisdom department. And what happened? From what I can gather, Joyce and her family realized they were screwing up. In all the bright lights of big time conferences and book sales, they had allowed themselves to get off track. They cleaned up their act and Ive heard they brought in some accountability into their program.

And they got back to the business of preaching and teaching and helping people. Sounds like a plan to me.

I've heard Benny Hinn has done somewhat the same. Frankly, I haven't heard anything out of him in a while. No problem there, his hair always gave me the creeps. And I'll go ahead and say it... I didn't like his style. We may be brothers in the Lord, but his shows repulsed me.

From what I've read about Billy Graham, he always surrounded himself with people of integrity with the purpose of holding him accountable for his actions. He invited godly perspective to keep him in line. I've heard he wouldn't even be in an elevator alone with a woman. Nor would he be seen having dinner with a woman who wasn't his wife or immediate family. He set a course and didn't stray.

I see one word making the difference: accountability. We need an outside set of eyes to look at our lives and our business operations. Not as a judge or control but as a healthy mirror. It's easy to cheat on our diets when you see all that candy at the checkout counter. But, knowing you've asked someone to check out your receipts for items not on your diet can be a healthy motivation to resist the temptation.

In ministry, they have an organization called ECFA- the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability. Members invite independent auditors to come in and look at their books to make sure they aren't getting off track. Sometime go to www.ecfa.org and look for your favorite big time ministries. Looking over the member list, I'm not surprised by many I see. Dallas Theological Seminary, Billy Graham, Luis Palau and others. But, I'm often surprised when I can't find folks on there. Do they have something to hide?

Even those of us who are not in the limelight can learn from these high profile blunders. But accountability is easier said than done. Thanks to Promisekeepers, a lot of men started accountability groups where they were challenged to get gut level honest with each other in hopes of keeping each other on the right path. I've heard some great testimonies out of accountability groups. But, I've also experienced a bunch that never got any deeper than dinner party conversation. I know it takes time but I think it also takes something most men don't have... a willingness to be seen as stupid from time to time. Or evil. Or sneaky. Our we don't want anyone to know about our secret sin(s).

Without full disclosure, there can't be real accountability. You can't have two sets of books. But you can't be afraid of showing your good sides and your bad sides as a person. It's tough. But I think it's worth it.

I think an attitude of grace is needed. My ex-wife was of the attitude that you were either all good or all bad. I started out all good. And, in time I shifted over to the "all bad" designation. I don't agree. I contend that we're a mix of good and bad. We're in the process of being renewed and some days we do better than others.

When I was a new Christian back in '72, I attended a Campus Crusade event up at the University of Arkansas campus. They compared our hearts to a South Pacific island during WWII. The Marines landed and established a beachhead. They would advance from there. Some days they gained territory. Some days they lost. But they never lost that beachhead. That's the way it is for us who have invited Jesus to be Lord. The Holy Spirit comes to live inside our hearts and He won't leave. But, we have a choice as to how much of our hearts goes to Him and how much is still controlled by ourselves or by the enemy.

An attitude of grace and accountability understands that we WILL drop the ball along the way. The point is to learn from yesterday's mistakes and keep moving on. After sneaking that one candy bar, don't end up parked in front of the candy aisle at Wal-Mart. Learn and move on.

Grace and accountability. They are partners I want in my life.

Skipping church, again

I'm sitting at home, again. It's a Sunday morning and I confess that I didn't even try to get up and go to church... again. I've almost given up on getting plugged in. On one hand, I want to. I know it is what I'm called to do as a Christian but I just don't have it within me right now.

My plans were, and still are, to do a lot of cleaning here at the house. Good plans, worthy plans and plans that so far I have avoided. I've stayed in bed and loved on my dogs some. I've surfed the 'net some. And I've listened to some Youtube music. Basically, I've done nothing.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. What I have and what I may want to have in the future. And what I probably will never have. For me, it is less about stuff and more about relationships. I see friends who do stuff with friends. That seems elusive. I see friends with families enjoying traditions. I never had that. I see friends inviting people into their homes. Nope. Can't see it.

Why not? What happened along the way to cause me to be in this place today? In so many ways, I've become that part of Mother that I detested growing up.

The house is a real bother. Granted, I came into a home cluttered with Mother's stuff and Gene's stuff. And now it has my stuff. I feel like what I have a feeling Mother felt like all those years... overwhelmed by the mountain of cleaning and sorting that needed to be done. Where do I start? Where do I find the energy? It seems out of reach, just beyond my grasp.

Meanwhile, I've been again feeling like I want to process information but just can't get into it. I can read the first two paragraphs but never get into the full story. Like I've said before, it's like reading a book through wax paper. I can see the words. They just aren't clear enough to tell what they mean. This is especially true on my technical projects.

I also feel like life is a swimming pool and I'm standing on the side wanting to jump in but just can't actually do it. I may walk down a step or two, wetting my feet and ankles but not going in over my knees. I've experienced life before where I dived in and got my head wet. I used to be a pretty good swimmer. But now, about all I can handle is sitting on the side of the pool, dangling my feet in the water. I'm tired of it but I don't feel enough fight left to even think of changing.

And I find that sad. I truly feel I have lots to offer. But a whole truckload of “why bother” keeps me on the sideline.

Yesterday, it hit me that Mother may not have used the house clutter as a defense mechanism, insulating her from deep relationships. That was always my thought. Then, I looked at my own life. I enjoy people. Granted, I don't like crowds much any more. And I hate social settings where we're to mingle and chat. But, I love interacting with people. But when I go home, I'm worn out. It's not that I don't want people in my life, it's that I simply don't have any energy left to do anything more than the minimum.

I can see now how Mother had enough energy to go to Scotty's drug store, LaBella's or Arby's to see people, but that was all. When she got home, she was spent. Out of energy. She retreated into her messy little world in hopes of recharging her batteries. Instead, the messy house just served to drain them even more. Yes, she longed to have a nice and tidy house, but that was beyond just elusive. It wasn't even something she could dream about. It was downright unrealistic. Because that's how I feel a lot of the time.

NOTE: After writing this, I read the Word some. Prayed a little. Then I got up, did some laundry, washed some dishes and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors. Twice (they needed it!). Now, I'm cleaning up in other rooms. I'm making progress.

Seeing a picture of a girl from college

Today I was cruising Facebook looking at friends' posts and generally wasting time when I landed on the picture of a girl from college. She was a couple of years ahead of me and I don't remember ever talking to her more than once and that was in the cafeteria. I doubt she ever even knew my name. But, I always had a crush on her.

Now, 35 years later, I see her picture and the truth be told, I probably still have a bit of a crush on her. Oh, she's married and has raised a house full of kids, probably an empty-nester by now. She has a nice looking husband and I'm sure a nice suburban home. Still, I find it a bit haunting. Our college had more than its share of beauties. Lots of raving beauties. Knock outs. Double-take kind of girls. But this girl had a quiet beauty. The sweet kind. Not sweet as in sicky-sweet. Sweet as in the kind you'd enjoy sitting down and sharing your heart with while looking into clear gray-blue eyes. In college, she wore her blonde hair straight but not really long. Shoulder length. And now I find she still does. It has a bit of curl at the ends, but it's still fairly straight and shoulder length. Back in school, she had lots of cool friends. Many of them mutual friends. But she was never in the forefront of the action. Like I said, she was quiet. And with those pretty eyes, I took that as deep.

OK, confession time. I looked at her Facebook pictures, trying to imagine what her world is like now. Like a lot of folks from school, she has a pretty home with pretty kids and pretty smiles. She has a successful looking husband. Not a big, toothy grin like me but one of those solid citizen type guys. You know, the kind who has it all together.

Then I look at my life. I had a nice home once. Two, actually. One of them I designed and built... and it was fantastic. But, it never was a home. Now, I life in the same bedroom I moved into when I was 8. Trying to imagine myself in that world of nice home, nice wife, nice life seems about as attainable as walking to California. Not going to happen.

But, at this point, I'm actually free to create whatever type life I want. I'm single. Debt free. I can make a living and I have lots of passions in life. Most of them involve helping people. This chapter of my life where I've been pretty much locked to El Dorado taking care of Mother is about over. I don't know if she'll be gone in days or weeks but I don't see her alive months from now. This time has been tough but wonderful.

Now, it's about over. What's next? In my imagination, I can't really come up with anything appealing enough to move forward on it. I could do this. Or that. Or something else. Faith tells me that God has a plan for my life, creatively using all of the things that make my life unique. All of my gifts. All of my experiences (both good and bad). All of my passions and yes, all of my dreams.

I take seriously Psalm 37:4 Today, I took a long look at the verse right before it. "Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." This gives me a hint what it takes to delight in Him. Trusting... that implies a relationship. Doing good... being His hands and feet to everyone. Dwelling... that sounds like living a settled and stable life. Cultivating... sounds intentional. Sounds like a pretty nice life. OH, forgot to mention the actual favorite verse: 37:4- "Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart." Living a life described above seems to me like a person who would be desiring wholesome and solid stuff. Not shallow (read: bling) or fleeting (read: momentary pleasure) but good and pure and rich in depth.

Back from a long absence

I started this blog at the suggestion of lots of friends. And, I had great intentions on posting to it regularly. But, as with many of my plans, it looked good on paper. In reality, I'm slow to learn new things. I know, I know, I'm all about researching new green chemicals, cleaning processes, renewable energy and crop sustainability. But, when it comes to the computer, I'm a PHD computer user... Push Here Dummy. At first, I was accustomed to using Myspace for my writing. Then Facebook. I always intended to copy a lot of those blogs over here. But, that plan still sounds good on paper.

So, let me catch up on life these past three years or so. I had moved back to El Dorado in June of '09. Mother was sick and needed help. She got better for a while but routine X-rays in the spring of last year (2012), they found lung cancer. And with her other conditions (COPD, congestive heart failure and aortic stenosis), she wasn't even a candidate for a biopsy. Cat scans three months later revealed the tumors had been growing... alot. Mother's doctor said it was time to sign her up for hospice. He's a pretty conservative physician and I'm confident he felt she was within her last six months. And, it looked like he was right.

In August, her health really went downhill. Even her hospice nurse said it wouldn't be long now. A friend who is a hospice nurse told me that the numbers I was reporting concerning Mother's oxygen saturation levels and such indicated Mother would likely be gone in ten days, two weeks at the most. She went to the hospice center for five days as we were looking forward to my brother's first visit home in two years. I asked friends to pray she'd live long enough to see him. After those five days were up, it was clear she couldn't come home. Time to go to the nursing home.

I called Hudson and sure enough, they had an opening. Mother moved in September 8, I believe. For the first few weeks, it was touch and go. She couldn't even feed herself. Mother doesn't remember much about those first few weeks and that's probably a good thing.

But, as the weeks turned into a couple of months, Mother pulled out of having one foot in the grave. She got off of her oxygen and ditched the wheelchair for her walker. Then back to using her cane. She even got in trouble a few times for going down the hall without even her cane. Everyone was amazed. Mother and I had already grown closer than I ever thought possible. God had done a lot of healing, a lot of restoring. But those months where she was just barely hanging on while at the house and the months since then at the nursing home, Mother have grown closer than I ever imagined.

This summer, I noticed Mother starting to slip a bit. At that time, Gene was scheduled to be released from prison in December. I really didn't see her making it that long. No one did. But, just before the fourth of July, he was released! He took advantage of every opportunity to come home for a visit. Living just a hundred miles away in Texarkana, it was a reasonable distance. Not too far but far enough for him to build a new life over there. It seems that Mother's health started slipping even more.

I'll write more about these past few months but let me just say that Mother is still here... barely. Her attitude is great and the three of us (Mother, my brother and me) are closer than ever. Mother has lived long enough to see two brothers that were polite to each other but not really close become closer than ever before. While it's tough to see her slip, I'm really thankful for what has been our 15 months (so far) of bonus round. No regrets. Lots of thanks.