We Built a House But Not a Home

Eighteen years ago this week, I was on my honeymoon. Today, that life seems a million miles away. I didn't get married until I was almost 35 and barely survived four years. Looking back, I'm still trying to learn from my mistakes and share them with you in hopes I can save you some heartache. Or, in the case of marriage and divorce... a lot of heartache.

I had a good life as a single guy. I owned a couple of businesses, had everything paid off including my home, office and warehouse, airplane, motorhome and a couple of trucks. Money wasn't what drove me though. Working hard was. Even more, spending quality time in an intimate relationship with my Lord meant everything to me. My office manager knew that if I didn't show up until 9:30 some mornings, it was because I was having an intense time in Bible study and worship out at my little cottage on the lake. I found out back then that I could get more done in five hours in an intimate walk with Him than what I could get done in twelve hours going on my own strength. Yes, it was a good life.

I always longed for a family, to have a partner and to build a life together. I married a widow with a 12 year old. Looked great going into the relationship. But, the picture changed real quick.

Discussing any of her issues is pointless. Actually, I think a lot about something I heard from one of her favorite counselors at her old church in Tennessee: "What is my sin in the situation?" The other person's stuff ain't my problem. I can only deal with my stuff.

Soon after we said "I do" I started dropping the ball. I was used to living alone and a quiet home where I could read and pray and worship whenever I wanted to. Moving in to a home with two others was a big change. And I simply never created a place in my new world to include private time for growing in my relationship with Him. Don't get me wrong, we went to church regularly. We were definitely a "Christian couple". No question about it. But most of the time I was doing it under my own strength. I yearned for a close relationship with my new family more than anything. Didn't happen.

Soon, the pressures of life started taking a toll on me. I had always traveled, typically a hundred nights a year. Not my idea of the life of a family man. So, I tried to diversify my business in not one but two ways. First, I started up a small business not at all related to my regular work. It was something I was interested in and something I needed as a business service. I was my own first customer. But, it took a lot of work and never really got off the ground. Second, I brought on a local salesman and expanded into some heavy industry type service work. My goal was to make money in the local market instead of bouncing all over North America and beyond. My overhead went through the roof and that hot shot salesman never sold enough to cover his draw on commission.

Meanwhile, I designed a new home for my lovely bride and stepdaughter. We tore down my one bedroom cottage on the lake and built a house four times larger. I served as the contractor. It was a lovely house. But it never was a home.

So, where did I go wrong? The biggest blunder as I see it was failing to maintain the intimacy I had once known with my heavenly Father. My prayer life went from passionate and sweet to shotgun prayers while driving to the office. Being still and knowing He was God (Ps. 46:10) was replaced with juggling a gazillion details, most of them demanding immediate attention. Soon, I was running on empty. No matter how much I wanted to be a good husband, I had very little to offer. Meanwhile, she was pretty needy. She had major surgery only a few months before our wedding and the recovery was a bit more intensive than either of us expected. She needed me and I wasn't there for her. I failed her.

Or, more accurately, I was there for her, but there was nothing inside.

I learned the hard way that I can't handle nearly as much as I thought I could. And more than anything, I learned that I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13)... so long as I'm spending time with Him for the strengthening.

Will I ever find a partner for life? Will I ever say "I do" in front of family and friends? Maybe. Hopefully. But I can assure you one thing, I won't make that step unless I'm secure in an intimate, daily relationship with my heavenly Father. And, that I feel confident she and I can maintain that intimacy as a team. Not only maintain, I can do that on my own. To grow in Him while holding hands with another... that would be the stuff a future could be built upon. I could enjoy that!

Until then, I really like being able to pray whenever and wherever I want to. Frankly, I'm not even where I want to be in my spiritual life... yet. But, I'm heading in that direction.