To Be Special To Someone

I've been single most of my adult life. Let's do the math. For a few more weeks, I'll still be 52 years old. Let's say “adulthood” starts at 21. I didn't get married until I was in my mid-30s and that only lasted four years. Then I rebounded into a horrible marriage that blew up in about three years. That means out of 31 years as an adult, I wore a wedding ring for only seven of those years. To get technical, that's 22.6 percent of my adult life. Or put another way- about a day and a half out of one week, less than one week out of a full month.

Next month will wrap up a full decade of being “single again”... again.

I never set out to be what some would call a “confirmed bachelor”. All I ever really wanted was to have a wife, a couple of kids and a mortgage. Life just didn't turn out that way.

Today, I have some really great female friends. I'm truly thankful for them. But at the end of the day, I go home alone. I'll admit that sometimes I'd like to have a romantic relationship. But, I struggle with the same stuff that gave me an ache in my heart back in high school and college. Female friendships are great but when they start dating, guess who takes a back seat? That other guy is “special” and I go home alone.

Thinking this through, I realized that what I am longing for is not so much the holding hands and kissing. Don't get me wrong, I love the sound of that tune! But that's not what defines a “special relationship” to me. And I definitely am not longing for the internal battle to stay celibate when the kissing moves to... well... more kissing. Yeah, call me old fashioned but I believe some things are left to “licensed adults” only. And not until then. What I really long for is to be “special” in one person's heart. To be set apart from the rest. Not just a friend but that “special person” in her life. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my friendships. And I know they appreciate me. But I'm not that “special one”. I'm not the last one they say “good night” to at the end of the day, albeit over the phone.

Back when I was married, I was typically on the road about a hundred nights out of the year. Most trips were four or five days long. For years, I'd watched how other guys would hit the road and forget to call in. More importantly, I heard wives complain about it. Not me! Sometimes I'd call during the day and for sure at the end of the day. I love my work and was typically excited about seeing old friends on the different projects I visited. And I wanted to hear about my wife's day. I knew that relationships on the road were tough and I worked hard to maintain connection while I was away. More than anything, I wanted to connect with my “special one”. I wanted to be reminded that somewhere in the world, there was one person who was glad I was safe that night. Someone who was glad I was in their life.

One of the loneliest feelings for me is when I'm on the road and pull off at some motel next to yet another interstate somewhere. They all look the same. Checking in and settling in for the night is pretty much on autopilot. Then as I wind down for the night, I realize there is no one on the face of the planet who knows where I am. I'm all alone. It's not that none of my friends care. I'm secure in that. But their lives spin on their own. And when I'm part of their lives, that's great. But we're not in touch every day.

Maybe that's what I long for even after all these years.. an “every day” relationship. More than anything, I long to be considered truly special by someone. Set apart, unique, cherished differently than the rest.

Then it dawns on me that I already have that and have had it all along. But it's not a girl somewhere on the other end of the phone. It's a Him. It's my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. What I'm longing for is what He wants with me right now... an intimate relationship. To my Father, I am set apart, unique and cherished differently than the rest. He does think of me as special.

Yesterday, I wrote that until I can abide in a relationship with my Lord, I can't fully love and appreciate someone else. Now I'm thinking my whole yearning for connection with someone is really a longing to be connected with Him. It's deeper than a guy and a girl on the phone. More importantly, it's about being connected at a deeper level than is possible in a relationship with another human being.

I want to grow in my experience of how He's crazy about me. How He's excited to hear my voice on the other end of the phone line. How He can't wait to hear about my day. Hey, He even knows the names of all the construction workers I was glad to see and even remembers what projects we worked on in the past. I want to learn to a deeper level that He's glad I called. I've tasted that type of relationship and know it to some degree. But I hear Him calling me to move deeper in it.

I'm reminded of a magazine interview from almost thirty years ago with author Sheldon VanAuken, a friend of CS Lewis's. In that interview, he shared about how we long to climb the mountain. We take the climbing lessons, buy the gear and study the maps. Day after day, week after week, month after month, we look forward to our climbing expedition. Then finally, one day, we make the climb. But when we get to the top, we find it's just a bunch of rocks. What we're longing for is joy- the kind of joy that only comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ.

I frequently use Pascal's great quote: “Man is created with a God-shaped vacuum that can only be filled by the Person of Jesus Christ.” That's very applicable to a person first coming to Jesus. But I'm seeing that it goes a lot deeper than an initial introduction. That vacuum and His filling it extends throughout life. Again, I'm reminded that it can only be filled with Him. Anything else is just a poor substitute.

And just as my relationships with others are only as good as my relationship with Him, I have a feeling that my desire to be “special” to someone else is only a dim reflection of the relationship He wants to enjoy with me. Again, if I'm getting my needs met by Him first and foremost, it takes the pressure off the rest of life. It sets the stage for stuff to flow more naturally, like water in a stream.

Will I ever find that “special someone”? I sure hope so. But for now, I see I need to pour myself more into my relationship with Someone else first and foremost. And let the future flow naturally from Him.