Abiding... What Does It Mean?

A friend and I were talking about abiding in God the other day. We both love the book of John and how the central theme seems to be abiding in Jesus. Good stuff. But, what does it mean? What does abiding look like? Or maybe better, what does it not look like?

Well, I take some cues from this friendship. We're really great friends but like most adult friendships, we don't get to see each other that often. Texts and brief emails are great. Short phone calls are OK and long phone calls are better. But truly abiding as a friend involves some concentrated one on one time. No TV. No problem solving session or any other "work" type thing. Just two friends sharing from the heart. Talking... relating... connecting. This is the stuff of real relationship, not just being an acquaintance.

Being a relational junkie, I never can seem to get enough of our one-on-one time, what some would call "quality time". But, that's not reality. We both have lives to lead. This is where the text messages, phone calls and emails fill the gap. If that's all we had, I wouldn't really call us close friends. All of this in the mix is what defines a relationship.

Abiding also means being there for the long haul. I'm fortunate to have close friends I've known for decades; many of them for well over half my life. They've known me through the good times and the bad times... and we're still friends. Again, we may not get to see each other as often as we'd like, but there's never a moment's doubt as to whether their friendship is real. That's not to say you can't consider new friends "true" friends. It's just that there's nothing like long term friends, those with whom you've been through thick and thin.

Frequency and intimacy aren't anywhere close to the same thing. I sometimes wonder if the young people today understand that there's a lot more to communicating than texts and tweets. A lot more. They may have frequency but do they have depth?

Likewise, I wonder if folks understand that a relationship with God is much more than just prayer that seems like texts or tweets. Or, as Bob Bennett called them in a song: shotgun prayers. Don't get me wrong, I believe God hears all prayers. But, is there any real intimacy going on with a prayer that sounds like a tweet? Is there any intimacy if the prayer is only one-sided? I've had friends whose prayers sounded more like ordering lunch at the drive through window at Wendy's than an intimate exchange between a Father and a son.

I've often said that the biggest area where I failed as a husband and step-father was losing my intimacy with my heavenly Father. As a single guy, I had a relationship with Him that really was abiding. My life was filled with quick shotgun prayers as well as deep times of one-on-one prayer. My prayer life was a lot more than just a one way conversation. It was rich and true. And shortly after moving in to an existing family I found that it was really hard to maintain with other people in the house.

Before long, I started looking to my spouse for the stuff I used to get from Him. Call it "meaning" or whatever, I looked to her to fill the holes in my heart that only He could fill. OK, I admit it... I'm lazy. I could see her whereas I couldn't truly see God.

Here's what I've been learning lately: it's easier to have a relationship with someone you can see, touch, hear and smell. But that relationship is only as good as my relationship first with Him. Do I come to my Father first or do I run to my friends first? Big question and the answer says a lot. Ultimately, who is my source of identity? My source in life? If it is anything or anyone but God, I'm heading in the wrong direction and headed for a fall.

But here's where life starts moving beyond existence. An abiding relationship with my Lord means a real openness where I can come clean with Him, confessing my sins and honestly wanting to turn away. Being in a relationship with Him means consistently being blown away at how great He is... and reminding Him that's how I feel about Him. Abiding in Him means talking as well as listening. Hearing what He says about me is what gives me true identity, for His words are truth, based on perfect love.

Abiding means being honest and spending quality time together. I wish I could say that I'm at a point where I feel I'm spending all the quality time as I'd like with God, but I'm not there yet. But my quiet time with Him is growing. My time in the Word is coming back. As we study the Word, it's about learning all the facts about Him but even more, learning about His heart. As we grow and abide in Him, we truly do get a glimpse of God's heart.

I'm seeing more than ever before that my ability to have a quality relationship with any person is only as strong as my relationship first with Him. By abiding in Him first, I'm coming to the relationship complete. Not fixed, mind you. But complete in that I have everything I need in Him. Of course, there's a really good chance that God may provide what I need through those close friendships... but it grows out of me coming to Him first and then Him providing through the friends.

OK, once again I've sidetracked my own blog. It happens a lot. What I'm now seeing is that abiding in Him (being in a passionate and growing relationship with my Heavenly Father) must come first and foremost. Not just knowing about Him but knowing Him! And until I can be at a place where my relationship with Him is solid enough to be unaffected by my relationships with other people, I'm not able to be a true friend. This is especially true of a romantic relationship. As soon as I start looking to them for stuff that I can only find in Him, I'm doomed.

I've been single again almost a decade. I've worked hard to learn from my mistakes. I've also worked hard to become the man He'd have me be, regardless of my marital status. But, I'll be really honest- I'd love to have a partner for life. I'd love it more than almost anything- except for an abiding relationship with Him. Until I'm at a place where my intimacy with Him is unwavering, I really don't have a lot to offer a woman. Sure, I might look alright at first but going even a short distance on my strength, it turns ugly really fast. But remaining first and foremost in that abiding walk with Him, I can bring to the relationship more than I need to take out. I come with a belly full of living water (John 4:10).

I ain't there yet... but I'm heading in the right direction.