Sitting in the gym at Tucker Prison, I'm amazed at what I'm seeing just a few feet away. An inmate with shaved head is holding his eight week old grandchild in his tattooed arms... and smiling from ear to ear. Over the past few years of visiting my brother in prison, this other inmate has become casual friends with Mother and me. It doesn't take much to imagine him as one bad dude. But that was then.
If not for his ever preset smile, he'd be an intimidating guy. But, these days he's almost always smiling. He's not the guy who got sentenced to prison years ago. My brother and this friend are both involved in the Kairos ministry at the prison. While there are a lot of guys who go to various prison ministries, I get a sense that this guy is different. His smile isn't fake. It comes up from his toes. The change is real.
I once asked my brother what our friend was in for. "Let's just say he had anger issues" was the reply. But, that was then. This is now.
Our friend got married a year or so ago. Yes, he got married while in prison. His wife visits every weekend and his daughter comes fairly often as well. Showing off her newborn baby, they were all smiles- our friend, his wife, his daughter, his pre-school aged grand-daughter and the newest addition to the family... an eight week old sleeping beauty. I don't know when he'll get out but have a feeling he'll be quite a different daddy than when he went in.
That gets me thinking about my own father. While he was never sent to prison, he wasn't a perfect dad either. Mother and Dad never had a happy marriage. As he put it, "We had a pretty good marriage 'til Tuesday." They had just gotten married on Saturday. Years later, both of them admitted that even while on their honeymoon they realized they had made a mistake. Dad tried to make it work. Both of them did. But on the eve of their 19th anniversary, he couldn't take it anymore. He literally "ran away from home" at the age of 42.
Dad dropped the ball as a provider, husband, father and anything else. It took a few years but he rebuilt his life and worked hard to make up for lost time. No, he never asked to get back with Mother but he did try to make amends for walking out on her.
I've never been a dad but I have tasted my share of failure. I've been at that point where I didn't know how I'd ever recover from the low places. But I have learned that as long as there is breath in a chest, there really is hope for change. It won't come overnight, but it can come. Just get ready for slow progress. And lots of time on your knees.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
"And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them."
I was reading in the book of Mark this morning, chapter ten in particular, and ran across verse 13. The disciples were keeping the little kids away from Jesus and he busted them on it. Instead of telling the little children to go off and play somewhere else, Jesus took them in His arms. And he loved them.
I look at verse 16, "And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them." At first, I imagined Jesus doing some sort of official "laying on of hands" type thing. You know... one at a time, touching their heads, praying intently- like you see at special services at church. I couldn't see Him doing a slam-bam Benny Hinn style but it was still a formal "laying on of hands".
But was it?
Instead, I let my mind imagine the Jesus of compassion I know, the Jesus who loves purely and unconditionally. And the Jesus who wants kids to be kids. I have a feeling this verse may be describing Jesus just loving on these kids, inviting them to crawl all over Him, and holding them close.
His "laying on of hands" may have been more a cuddle than a ceremony. I can easily imagine Him as a snuggler, holding kids close to His chest. What could bring peace to a kid faster than to be held, to experience the warmth of His embrace and to feel His running fingers through their hair? To lay their head on His chest and hear His heartbeat, soothing and never stopping. Boy, that paints a picture of peace to me!
I can imagine His hand on their backs as they tried to tell Him about something in their lives. I remember being a kid and having an adult actually want to listen to me. I'd get nervous and stammer about, repeated my words and struggling to get a complete thought out. All of a sudden, the spotlight was on me and I couldn't come up with any words. I can see the same for those kids until Jesus put His hand on their backs and whispered "It's OK, just tell Me what's on your heart. I want to hear what you have to say."
Imagine what that did to a kid's self image? I can feel courage welling up inside of these kids in the story.
Jesus and I have one thing in common. We never had kids. And when I was in my early 30's, the same age as Jesus when he was loving on those kids described in Mark 10, I had lots of friends having kids. I enjoyed being "Uncle Todd" to these children. I loved having them crawl all over me and enjoyed listening intently to their stories. I especially loved it when they'd fall asleep on my chest as I stroked their hair and rubbed their backs. The kids didn't remember it a week later but I sure did. Those are precious memories.
Growing up in the '60s and early '70s, I still remember a teacher's touch. Back when I was in school it was common to see a teacher hugging a kid who may have gotten struck by a stray kickball or disappointed about getting knocked out of the spelling bee over a really easy word. I remember teachers giving us hugs when we did something great and can still feel their steadying hand on my back as they stood to next to my desk as I struggled to understand multiplication and division.
Sadly, we don't have much of that these days. After the McMartin Daycare trial of the early '80s where they discovered workers molesting children and so many horrible reports of sexual abuse of children, touching fell out of favor.Teachers are careful to avoid physical contact of any type. I got married in '93 and inherited a pre-teen step daughter. Although we were extremely close, I felt inhibited in showing her much physical affection. I knew what was in my heart but that's not what mattered. How she perceived it was what counted. And I couldn't risk doing anything that might be taken as improper.
Sadly, sin got in the way. One end result is kids grow up starved for physical contact. It's easy to see how young people, starved for affection, get their desires met in unhealthy ways.
I remember when guys hugging was just unheard of in public. As I recall, John Denver seemed to start it all back in the early '70s. He'd come on the Johnny Carson Show and the silver haired host would extend his hand for a shake and the shaggy haired musician would give him a big bear hug instead. Back then, I was a young Christian and us "brothers in the Lord" would hug as a greeting. Not quite "greet your brethren with a holy kiss" stuff, but hearty hugs between guys as well as with the girls. Nowadays, it's fairly common to see guys hug. And I see that as a good thing. But, it's still just a momentary greeting.
One of my favorite memories with my grandmother was when she was in her 90's (she's 99 1/2 now) and was staying with my aunt and uncle in Benton. They went out to a Christmas party and left my grandmother and me piled up on their king size bed watching TV. Pauline and I sat there and talked more than watched. We held hands and just spent time together.
I love praying with friends. In most cases, we hold hands as we pray. It is common to hold hands as family and friends say grace over a meal. Even now, I'm sitting in my bed with my back propped up on a pile of pillows. My 15 year old dachshund is glued to my left hip. She likes physical contact. Me, too. There's something about touch. So, where do we strike a balance?
It seems to me sin has gotten in and messed things up. Too often, physical touch has a sexual overtone to it. It's either part of a planned conquest or part of some perverted molestation. Rarely just touch for the sake of sincere affection. But I still long for it.
So, what is the message I'm trying to get across? Not much, really. I just want to celebrate the healing power of touch and to encourage more of it. Not in order to "get" anything but rather to give, just as our Lord did.
I look at verse 16, "And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them." At first, I imagined Jesus doing some sort of official "laying on of hands" type thing. You know... one at a time, touching their heads, praying intently- like you see at special services at church. I couldn't see Him doing a slam-bam Benny Hinn style but it was still a formal "laying on of hands".
But was it?
Instead, I let my mind imagine the Jesus of compassion I know, the Jesus who loves purely and unconditionally. And the Jesus who wants kids to be kids. I have a feeling this verse may be describing Jesus just loving on these kids, inviting them to crawl all over Him, and holding them close.
His "laying on of hands" may have been more a cuddle than a ceremony. I can easily imagine Him as a snuggler, holding kids close to His chest. What could bring peace to a kid faster than to be held, to experience the warmth of His embrace and to feel His running fingers through their hair? To lay their head on His chest and hear His heartbeat, soothing and never stopping. Boy, that paints a picture of peace to me!
I can imagine His hand on their backs as they tried to tell Him about something in their lives. I remember being a kid and having an adult actually want to listen to me. I'd get nervous and stammer about, repeated my words and struggling to get a complete thought out. All of a sudden, the spotlight was on me and I couldn't come up with any words. I can see the same for those kids until Jesus put His hand on their backs and whispered "It's OK, just tell Me what's on your heart. I want to hear what you have to say."
Imagine what that did to a kid's self image? I can feel courage welling up inside of these kids in the story.
Jesus and I have one thing in common. We never had kids. And when I was in my early 30's, the same age as Jesus when he was loving on those kids described in Mark 10, I had lots of friends having kids. I enjoyed being "Uncle Todd" to these children. I loved having them crawl all over me and enjoyed listening intently to their stories. I especially loved it when they'd fall asleep on my chest as I stroked their hair and rubbed their backs. The kids didn't remember it a week later but I sure did. Those are precious memories.
Growing up in the '60s and early '70s, I still remember a teacher's touch. Back when I was in school it was common to see a teacher hugging a kid who may have gotten struck by a stray kickball or disappointed about getting knocked out of the spelling bee over a really easy word. I remember teachers giving us hugs when we did something great and can still feel their steadying hand on my back as they stood to next to my desk as I struggled to understand multiplication and division.
Sadly, we don't have much of that these days. After the McMartin Daycare trial of the early '80s where they discovered workers molesting children and so many horrible reports of sexual abuse of children, touching fell out of favor.Teachers are careful to avoid physical contact of any type. I got married in '93 and inherited a pre-teen step daughter. Although we were extremely close, I felt inhibited in showing her much physical affection. I knew what was in my heart but that's not what mattered. How she perceived it was what counted. And I couldn't risk doing anything that might be taken as improper.
Sadly, sin got in the way. One end result is kids grow up starved for physical contact. It's easy to see how young people, starved for affection, get their desires met in unhealthy ways.
I remember when guys hugging was just unheard of in public. As I recall, John Denver seemed to start it all back in the early '70s. He'd come on the Johnny Carson Show and the silver haired host would extend his hand for a shake and the shaggy haired musician would give him a big bear hug instead. Back then, I was a young Christian and us "brothers in the Lord" would hug as a greeting. Not quite "greet your brethren with a holy kiss" stuff, but hearty hugs between guys as well as with the girls. Nowadays, it's fairly common to see guys hug. And I see that as a good thing. But, it's still just a momentary greeting.
One of my favorite memories with my grandmother was when she was in her 90's (she's 99 1/2 now) and was staying with my aunt and uncle in Benton. They went out to a Christmas party and left my grandmother and me piled up on their king size bed watching TV. Pauline and I sat there and talked more than watched. We held hands and just spent time together.
I love praying with friends. In most cases, we hold hands as we pray. It is common to hold hands as family and friends say grace over a meal. Even now, I'm sitting in my bed with my back propped up on a pile of pillows. My 15 year old dachshund is glued to my left hip. She likes physical contact. Me, too. There's something about touch. So, where do we strike a balance?
It seems to me sin has gotten in and messed things up. Too often, physical touch has a sexual overtone to it. It's either part of a planned conquest or part of some perverted molestation. Rarely just touch for the sake of sincere affection. But I still long for it.
So, what is the message I'm trying to get across? Not much, really. I just want to celebrate the healing power of touch and to encourage more of it. Not in order to "get" anything but rather to give, just as our Lord did.
"Law of Attraction" magazine at Wally World?
Hello, my name is Todd and I'm an addict. My drug of choice is magazines.
OK, there, I said it. I admit that I am hooked on magazines.I once added up eighteen different paid subscriptions plus a dozen or more freebie magazines coming to my door each month. Look inside my briefcase on a cross country flight and you will likely see a couple on home repair, another on diesel trucks, a Christian magazine or two and probably one on solar energy. Then in my suitcase you'll find the juicy ones on dirt bikes, airplanes, writing, municipal waste recycling, electroplating, safety and environmental stuff. Oh yeah... as my friends in Minnesota would say: them are good!
My attention span isn't usually long enough to read many books. Most of the time it seems like authors beat around the bush in order to crank out enough pages to separate their stuff as a book instead of a magazine article. That way they make more money and get to go on tour selling their books. Me? Give me a magazine any day. And, I'm proud to say I've written quite a few magazine articles through the years. It was neat to pull the latest issue of Dirt Rider off the shelf of a 7-11 and find my name printed in there. Of all the things I miss from living in Monroe, I think the mile long magazine rack at Books A Million tops the list.
So, cruising through Wal-Mart yesterday I ran past the magazine rack. Not the ones on the ends of the checkout lanes. I'm talking about the magazine and book section. They have the best magazine selection in El Dorado. The far end gets my attention: the automotive magazines. Sitting on the top shelf next to the latest issue of Diesel World, I spotted a cover I've never seen before. It was "Law of Attraction" magazine.
Huh?
Wasn't that the stuff Oprah was touting a few years ago? I picked up the magazine and read the cover articles. "Get Happy Now" was their main article. The cover had a circle, kind of like a button, with apparently the magazine's primary focus: "Happy, Wealthy, Healthy". Hey, who wouldn't want that? Being a magazine junkie, I picked up the magazine and looked for their website. This deserved more research back at the house.
"Law of Attraction" magazine has a really slick looking website. You can peruse all sorts of feature articles with titles such as:
What is Your Body Telling You?
Defeating the Odds
Letting "Luck" In
Ten Tips to Get What You Want... Fast
Find Joy in Your Work
I also found other magazines and websites based on the whole "law of attraction" line of thought. This is right along the same lines as what Oprah spotlighted. She was talking about a book and movie titled “The Secret".
In a nutshell, this line of thought says that we create what we want to experience. Think it... and it appears. Want to get married? Think about the things that would make up your dream spouse. Want a better job? Visualize yourself being productive in the perfect working environment for you. Get the idea? Many would call this type stuff "metaphysical". That's a term I was raised with. Dad was always into stuff like that. It started with Edgar Cayce books. Then he found Silva Mind Control in the early '70s. When he ran away from home at the age of 42, he moved to Houston where he found Unity Church and eventually the "Course in Miracles". He gave away cases of that book set.
Dad was always going to what he called "Super Kook" meetings. "You know, in life you have kooks and then you have super kooks" he'd say. His metaphysical buddies were kooks in an entirely different category.
During the charismatic movement of the '70s through the '90s (and even now) I heard preachers shouting the same stuff Dad's friends were saying. There is a lot of cross-over. Jesus talked about sowing and reaping. I've heard preachers go on and on about how our faith heals us. What's the difference between that and what I read on the "Law of Attraction" website? Not much. Oh, the church folks will say theirs has Jesus' name attached to it. True. And for sure, there is power in His name.
Neither sits quite right with me.
What I find lacking in both is the Person of Jesus Christ. The metaphysical folks frequently consider themselves Christians and can quickly sprinkle a little Jesus on top of their core beliefs when asked to. The "faith movement" Christians are clearly more Christ-focused but even then, their messages seem more about "getting your miracle" and how God wants us to prosper.
Me? I consider myself "Cross-centric". It is all about what Jesus did on the Cross. I boil the Cross down to two things: eternal life and the offer of a relationship with God right now. Note that I said the offer. We come to Jesus and he offers to be our savior. That's eternal life. But is He our Lord? Are we in a personal relationship with Him? He not only offers it but longs for it!
Billy Graham's daughter, Anne Graham Lotz, wrote a book titled "Just Give Me Jesus". I think I bought it but never read it. To me, the title says it all.
One of my best friends is also a real prayer partner. We really enjoy getting together either in person or on the phone to pray. Within that context, we also share about what God seems to be teaching us along the way. A word that comes up in our conversations pretty frequently is "abide". We both seemed focused on "abiding in Him". And I think this is what I find lacking in the "Law of Attraction" stuff as well as some in the faith movement. They may have Jesus mentioned but is the focus on abiding in Him? Is the main thing about having a personal, one on one relationship with Jesus?
Well, it is for me.
What sounds better... nice ideas with a little Jesus sprinkled on top or an abiding relationship with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords where everything else just pours out. I like the story in the fourth chapter of John where Jesus is talking with the woman at the well. She wants water. You know... H2O to quench her physical thirst. But Jesus offers her "living water". A few pages later, in chapter 7, Jesus says: "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’”
His words paint a picture of living water flowing naturally out of our lives. It starts with an intimate, personal relationship with Him and the rest is just gravity.
Are there nuggets of truth in the "Law of Attraction" magazines? Sure! Did Dad's "super kook" friends hit on some real stuff from time to time? Quite frankly, probably more than I see in the typical mainline denomination church service on Sunday morning. And while that's all fine and good, I find it lacking. It seems far short of what has been offered to us in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Like Anne Graham Lotz writes... just give me Jesus.
Here's something to chew on. When I abide in Him, my focus is rarely on me. Instead, it's on serving others. It's on feeding the hungry. It's on listening to someone who is hurting and then praying together. Oh, there is also focus on work, buying stuff and the same topics as the others talk about. But the focus is much less on me and a whole lot more on helping others; on being His hands and His feet in the world today. Before that though, my focus is on Him. The Lord's Prayer starts out with "Our Father, hallowed be thy Name..." That's talking about how great God is.
When I sit and ponder how great He is, it puts my stuff into perspective. My needs? No problem. I serve a big and powerful God. And what's even better... He knows me by name. The rest is just gravity.
OK, there, I said it. I admit that I am hooked on magazines.I once added up eighteen different paid subscriptions plus a dozen or more freebie magazines coming to my door each month. Look inside my briefcase on a cross country flight and you will likely see a couple on home repair, another on diesel trucks, a Christian magazine or two and probably one on solar energy. Then in my suitcase you'll find the juicy ones on dirt bikes, airplanes, writing, municipal waste recycling, electroplating, safety and environmental stuff. Oh yeah... as my friends in Minnesota would say: them are good!
My attention span isn't usually long enough to read many books. Most of the time it seems like authors beat around the bush in order to crank out enough pages to separate their stuff as a book instead of a magazine article. That way they make more money and get to go on tour selling their books. Me? Give me a magazine any day. And, I'm proud to say I've written quite a few magazine articles through the years. It was neat to pull the latest issue of Dirt Rider off the shelf of a 7-11 and find my name printed in there. Of all the things I miss from living in Monroe, I think the mile long magazine rack at Books A Million tops the list.
So, cruising through Wal-Mart yesterday I ran past the magazine rack. Not the ones on the ends of the checkout lanes. I'm talking about the magazine and book section. They have the best magazine selection in El Dorado. The far end gets my attention: the automotive magazines. Sitting on the top shelf next to the latest issue of Diesel World, I spotted a cover I've never seen before. It was "Law of Attraction" magazine.
Huh?
Wasn't that the stuff Oprah was touting a few years ago? I picked up the magazine and read the cover articles. "Get Happy Now" was their main article. The cover had a circle, kind of like a button, with apparently the magazine's primary focus: "Happy, Wealthy, Healthy". Hey, who wouldn't want that? Being a magazine junkie, I picked up the magazine and looked for their website. This deserved more research back at the house.
"Law of Attraction" magazine has a really slick looking website. You can peruse all sorts of feature articles with titles such as:
What is Your Body Telling You?
Defeating the Odds
Letting "Luck" In
Ten Tips to Get What You Want... Fast
Find Joy in Your Work
I also found other magazines and websites based on the whole "law of attraction" line of thought. This is right along the same lines as what Oprah spotlighted. She was talking about a book and movie titled “The Secret".
In a nutshell, this line of thought says that we create what we want to experience. Think it... and it appears. Want to get married? Think about the things that would make up your dream spouse. Want a better job? Visualize yourself being productive in the perfect working environment for you. Get the idea? Many would call this type stuff "metaphysical". That's a term I was raised with. Dad was always into stuff like that. It started with Edgar Cayce books. Then he found Silva Mind Control in the early '70s. When he ran away from home at the age of 42, he moved to Houston where he found Unity Church and eventually the "Course in Miracles". He gave away cases of that book set.
Dad was always going to what he called "Super Kook" meetings. "You know, in life you have kooks and then you have super kooks" he'd say. His metaphysical buddies were kooks in an entirely different category.
During the charismatic movement of the '70s through the '90s (and even now) I heard preachers shouting the same stuff Dad's friends were saying. There is a lot of cross-over. Jesus talked about sowing and reaping. I've heard preachers go on and on about how our faith heals us. What's the difference between that and what I read on the "Law of Attraction" website? Not much. Oh, the church folks will say theirs has Jesus' name attached to it. True. And for sure, there is power in His name.
Neither sits quite right with me.
What I find lacking in both is the Person of Jesus Christ. The metaphysical folks frequently consider themselves Christians and can quickly sprinkle a little Jesus on top of their core beliefs when asked to. The "faith movement" Christians are clearly more Christ-focused but even then, their messages seem more about "getting your miracle" and how God wants us to prosper.
Me? I consider myself "Cross-centric". It is all about what Jesus did on the Cross. I boil the Cross down to two things: eternal life and the offer of a relationship with God right now. Note that I said the offer. We come to Jesus and he offers to be our savior. That's eternal life. But is He our Lord? Are we in a personal relationship with Him? He not only offers it but longs for it!
Billy Graham's daughter, Anne Graham Lotz, wrote a book titled "Just Give Me Jesus". I think I bought it but never read it. To me, the title says it all.
One of my best friends is also a real prayer partner. We really enjoy getting together either in person or on the phone to pray. Within that context, we also share about what God seems to be teaching us along the way. A word that comes up in our conversations pretty frequently is "abide". We both seemed focused on "abiding in Him". And I think this is what I find lacking in the "Law of Attraction" stuff as well as some in the faith movement. They may have Jesus mentioned but is the focus on abiding in Him? Is the main thing about having a personal, one on one relationship with Jesus?
Well, it is for me.
What sounds better... nice ideas with a little Jesus sprinkled on top or an abiding relationship with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords where everything else just pours out. I like the story in the fourth chapter of John where Jesus is talking with the woman at the well. She wants water. You know... H2O to quench her physical thirst. But Jesus offers her "living water". A few pages later, in chapter 7, Jesus says: "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’”
His words paint a picture of living water flowing naturally out of our lives. It starts with an intimate, personal relationship with Him and the rest is just gravity.
Are there nuggets of truth in the "Law of Attraction" magazines? Sure! Did Dad's "super kook" friends hit on some real stuff from time to time? Quite frankly, probably more than I see in the typical mainline denomination church service on Sunday morning. And while that's all fine and good, I find it lacking. It seems far short of what has been offered to us in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Like Anne Graham Lotz writes... just give me Jesus.
Here's something to chew on. When I abide in Him, my focus is rarely on me. Instead, it's on serving others. It's on feeding the hungry. It's on listening to someone who is hurting and then praying together. Oh, there is also focus on work, buying stuff and the same topics as the others talk about. But the focus is much less on me and a whole lot more on helping others; on being His hands and His feet in the world today. Before that though, my focus is on Him. The Lord's Prayer starts out with "Our Father, hallowed be thy Name..." That's talking about how great God is.
When I sit and ponder how great He is, it puts my stuff into perspective. My needs? No problem. I serve a big and powerful God. And what's even better... He knows me by name. The rest is just gravity.
To Know and To Be Known
Driving to work this morning I stopped at the convenience store for my Baptist mixed drink (1/3 diet Dr. Pepper and 2/3 diet Coke). I noticed a guy pretty much like most guys. Heading to work, getting a cup of coffee and maybe a pack of cigarettes, expressionless face. He just looked like the silent type. No time for nonsense. No desire for chit chat. I could see him on a deer stand or tossing back a brewski in a bass boat. A man of few words.
And that's when it started. My mind started running through all sorts of ideas. Why did he choose to be so silent? What caused him to pull away from communicating?
Then I thought about a friend who is a marriage & family counselor. When my soon-to-be ex-wife Unit #2 and I were seeing our fourth marriage counselor (yeah... four, she found issues with all but the last one), I asked my counselor friend for help. This new therapist and I didn't know each other beyond 50 minutes every other week and I wanted to get real help. I didn't want to waste any time. So... was there anything my lifelong friend could share to enlighten my therapist? Well, nothing but one very telling statement. “Todd, you're a communicator and you married two women who don't wan to communicate.” I know, not normal for guys to be communicators. Hey, I was born that way. But, I also have worked hard to truly communicate and not just run off at the mouth like some.
Remembering that opened the floodgates. My mind was off to the races.
So many folks fall into one of two camps: non-verbal or hyper-verbal. Either they don't talk much at all or they talk all the time. And in a lot of cases, neither is really communicating. For the non-talkers, I see a lot of them trapped inside. They tried talking in the past. They tried opening up and sharing themselves. But somewhere along the way, they got hurt. Bad. To venture out of their emotional turtle shell is too painful to consider. You can try to get them to talk but for some, it's been so long that I wonder if they remember how. It's like that part of their brain atrophied over time. While I understand that not all people are as verbal as me, I don't believe God wire us to never relate at all. That looks like damage from the journey.
On the other hand, I see a lot of folks who go overboard on talking. The constant chatter keeps the focus bouncing on everything except the stuff that matters. These are the types who talk incessantly about this and that and the other thing... always avoiding their true hearts. Sure, they may talk about themselves a lot. Many are pretty self-centered. But, do they ever really talk about the stuff that matters?
People hide behind masks. We want to protect our 'real selves' from being hurt so we put out a mask, a 'modified self'. But what is really going on? What is it we really want? What are we trying to avoid? I think it can be summed up with our desire to know and to be known. I think this is at the core of every soul born.
OK, remember this was all part of my train of thought while driving to the shop, a 40 minute drive.
When a conversation appears to be heading toward touchy territory, you may hear someone say “don't go there!” Whatever it is, it's off limits to discussion. A tragedy, a reminder of a painful past, a secret... something is hidden and we think should remain that way. But, to me, hiding anything sounds like bondage. Freedom means having nothing to hide. But, easier said than done.
What type stuff am I talking about? I think it all comes down to being accepted- to being known. We feel insecure about something...so we hide it. We feel shame about something... so we hide it. We have been hurt by something in our past and don't want to go through that again... so we hide from it. The bottom line is... there's something about us we don't want known for fear we will be rejected.
Deep down, I truly feel we long to be known... and still accepted. I frequently joke that my former girlfriend, a Franciscan nun, knows me better than either ex-wife... and she still loves me! And that means all the world to me! I revealed myself to two women and was rejected both times. But not with 'the nun'. I revealed my true self to her and she accepted me. Easier said than done.
We long to know and be known but that's impossible if we aren't dealing with truth. If I put on a mask to hide my imperfections, you aren't knowing the real me. You're knowing a layer of something added on top. You can't build on that. It's like in building a house. You have to scrape down to something solid before you can build a foundation. Otherwise, everything you build may come crumbling down in time, built on other stuff. What I see are a lot of people building relationships on masks. And knowing that what we see isn't real, deep down we know that we can't put our full weight on that relationship. It won't hold up. When we try to trust and get hurt in the process, we quickly learn to not count on relationships.
What will hold up? What in life is solid enough to build a life on it?
In John 14:6, Jesus said “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” To know and to be known, it is important to be dealing with the truth. He is the Truth. Simple as that. When we boil it down to just Him and me... God the Creator and His created... we as humans have our first taste of knowing and being known.
When I think about my relationship with the Lord these days, it's all about getting to know Him. As I know Him, I learn to trust. It's about building a relationship more than just learning facts and scriptures. And I don't have to understand everything... I trust Him.
Now, follow me here... this is where it gets exciting to me.
Knowing God means I'm also known by Him. That means bringing it all out into the open with Him. I know we all understand God sees all and knows all, but emotionally we still try to hide a lot from Him. But, how liberating it is when we finally realize at a core level that He truly loves us through and through. Even the stuff we'd rather hide from Him! Now, we have the foundation for a relationship. We are already known by Him and we are getting to know Him as well. In the process, I feel we also get to know ourselves better.
Based on the freedom of this relationship, not having to hide anything anymore, we can grow in relationships with others. This is where I feel God wants to do a special work within Christians. If we are all enjoying open and free relationships with our Father, that sets the stage for some pretty open and free relationships with fellow believers. Well, at least on paper.
I've seen it in practice from time to time. I think about the folks who used to gather at The Barn in Mer Rouge. Here we saw a group of believers come together to know Him and know each other. Through the years they became family. It wasn't a church, but it sure functioned like one. It started as a Bible study at my cousin Molly's house. The crowd outgrew the living room so they took over a barn out at the farm, thus the name “The Barn”. Actually, old timers probably still remember it as “The Glory Barn”.
When I think of my times at The Barn, I first think of the worship. There was always great teaching but there was first a whole lotta praise and worship. The focus was on Him... celebrating how wonderful our God is! Building on this foundation of worship and solid Bible teaching, relationships were built that in many cases were closer than family. After a while, the folks of The Barn formed Christian Life Fellowship, an official ministry. That grew to include a Christian summer camp for kids.
Most folks refer to the folks out at The Barn as “The Fellowship”. And that's really what it was. But not in the sense of what I see at most churches. Fellowship usually means food spread out on a table and folks eating too much while smiling and always making sure their emotional masks don't slide down and inadvertently reveal too much. Not so with The Fellowship. These folks were truly involved in each others' lives. They shared a common heartbeat.
This can be illustrated in running the summer camp. As the older generation literally started dying off, new folks came in and started taking on responsibility. One of the biggest challenges was that little stuff was written down. The people involved initially were so connected on a heart level that they didn't have policy manuals or procedures written down. They just knew what the others would want to be done... and they did it. They communicated on a regular basis and worked through the inevitable issues. But most of all... they knew and were known. And based on this knowing “in Christ”, they trusted each other.
Nowadays, new blood has come in and while that's a good thing, they don't have the history of the old gang. Policies and procedures rightfully need to be written down. It's a new chapter. But, the old one sure was a great example of relationships as the body of Christ.
Watching folks in the Fellowship, I saw people feeling safe to be known. As relationships grew, masks weren't just taken off but thrown away entirely. As fellow believers, I saw them love and accept each other within a context of grace. I saw true authenticity displayed in the friendships and close relationships of the folks involved in the Fellowship. They truly knew each other.
While true fellowship is great, it is only as good as the individual relationships of the folks involved with their Lord. I confess, I was a slow learner on this one. I always enjoyed a passionate relationship with Jesus as a single guy. In that relationship, I found my identity. I found acceptance and grace. But, it didn't take long after getting married to try that same stuff from my spouse in lieu of my relationship with Him. Not just “not good”. Disastrous.
By not going to Him first, I wasn't getting my essential needs met... core stuff that can only come from a relationship with Him. And, by going to a fallible person instead of Him for my identity, I clearly set myself up for a fall. They couldn't deliver the goods, no matter how hard they tried.
Hopefully, I've learned that the most essential relationship in life is the one on one time I have with my Lord... with my heavenly Father. Based on that, I'm not only equipped to serve others but I'm not looking for something out of them they can't provide. Now we're just free to be... real. Being known by Him first, and knowing Him as a result, we can now enjoy knowing and being known by others. We can relax and be real. Friendships are now within the context of Jesus Christ making a way for each of us to cry out to our heavenly Father “Abba... Papa!”
Knowing and being known by Him also takes the pressure off of our other relationships. Secure in our identity in Him, we can now feel more free to just enjoy other folks and to also be used to touch them on His behalf. We aren't the solution. We are only part of His provision in the situation.
This seed of thought has spun off into some other side shoots which I'll write about more. But for now, enjoy thinking about how God knows you better than you know yourself. And He loves you just as you are. And as a result of Jesus taking our place on the Cross, we can now know God as well. What a deal!
And that's when it started. My mind started running through all sorts of ideas. Why did he choose to be so silent? What caused him to pull away from communicating?
Then I thought about a friend who is a marriage & family counselor. When my soon-to-be ex-wife Unit #2 and I were seeing our fourth marriage counselor (yeah... four, she found issues with all but the last one), I asked my counselor friend for help. This new therapist and I didn't know each other beyond 50 minutes every other week and I wanted to get real help. I didn't want to waste any time. So... was there anything my lifelong friend could share to enlighten my therapist? Well, nothing but one very telling statement. “Todd, you're a communicator and you married two women who don't wan to communicate.” I know, not normal for guys to be communicators. Hey, I was born that way. But, I also have worked hard to truly communicate and not just run off at the mouth like some.
Remembering that opened the floodgates. My mind was off to the races.
So many folks fall into one of two camps: non-verbal or hyper-verbal. Either they don't talk much at all or they talk all the time. And in a lot of cases, neither is really communicating. For the non-talkers, I see a lot of them trapped inside. They tried talking in the past. They tried opening up and sharing themselves. But somewhere along the way, they got hurt. Bad. To venture out of their emotional turtle shell is too painful to consider. You can try to get them to talk but for some, it's been so long that I wonder if they remember how. It's like that part of their brain atrophied over time. While I understand that not all people are as verbal as me, I don't believe God wire us to never relate at all. That looks like damage from the journey.
On the other hand, I see a lot of folks who go overboard on talking. The constant chatter keeps the focus bouncing on everything except the stuff that matters. These are the types who talk incessantly about this and that and the other thing... always avoiding their true hearts. Sure, they may talk about themselves a lot. Many are pretty self-centered. But, do they ever really talk about the stuff that matters?
People hide behind masks. We want to protect our 'real selves' from being hurt so we put out a mask, a 'modified self'. But what is really going on? What is it we really want? What are we trying to avoid? I think it can be summed up with our desire to know and to be known. I think this is at the core of every soul born.
OK, remember this was all part of my train of thought while driving to the shop, a 40 minute drive.
When a conversation appears to be heading toward touchy territory, you may hear someone say “don't go there!” Whatever it is, it's off limits to discussion. A tragedy, a reminder of a painful past, a secret... something is hidden and we think should remain that way. But, to me, hiding anything sounds like bondage. Freedom means having nothing to hide. But, easier said than done.
What type stuff am I talking about? I think it all comes down to being accepted- to being known. We feel insecure about something...so we hide it. We feel shame about something... so we hide it. We have been hurt by something in our past and don't want to go through that again... so we hide from it. The bottom line is... there's something about us we don't want known for fear we will be rejected.
Deep down, I truly feel we long to be known... and still accepted. I frequently joke that my former girlfriend, a Franciscan nun, knows me better than either ex-wife... and she still loves me! And that means all the world to me! I revealed myself to two women and was rejected both times. But not with 'the nun'. I revealed my true self to her and she accepted me. Easier said than done.
We long to know and be known but that's impossible if we aren't dealing with truth. If I put on a mask to hide my imperfections, you aren't knowing the real me. You're knowing a layer of something added on top. You can't build on that. It's like in building a house. You have to scrape down to something solid before you can build a foundation. Otherwise, everything you build may come crumbling down in time, built on other stuff. What I see are a lot of people building relationships on masks. And knowing that what we see isn't real, deep down we know that we can't put our full weight on that relationship. It won't hold up. When we try to trust and get hurt in the process, we quickly learn to not count on relationships.
What will hold up? What in life is solid enough to build a life on it?
In John 14:6, Jesus said “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” To know and to be known, it is important to be dealing with the truth. He is the Truth. Simple as that. When we boil it down to just Him and me... God the Creator and His created... we as humans have our first taste of knowing and being known.
When I think about my relationship with the Lord these days, it's all about getting to know Him. As I know Him, I learn to trust. It's about building a relationship more than just learning facts and scriptures. And I don't have to understand everything... I trust Him.
Now, follow me here... this is where it gets exciting to me.
Knowing God means I'm also known by Him. That means bringing it all out into the open with Him. I know we all understand God sees all and knows all, but emotionally we still try to hide a lot from Him. But, how liberating it is when we finally realize at a core level that He truly loves us through and through. Even the stuff we'd rather hide from Him! Now, we have the foundation for a relationship. We are already known by Him and we are getting to know Him as well. In the process, I feel we also get to know ourselves better.
Based on the freedom of this relationship, not having to hide anything anymore, we can grow in relationships with others. This is where I feel God wants to do a special work within Christians. If we are all enjoying open and free relationships with our Father, that sets the stage for some pretty open and free relationships with fellow believers. Well, at least on paper.
I've seen it in practice from time to time. I think about the folks who used to gather at The Barn in Mer Rouge. Here we saw a group of believers come together to know Him and know each other. Through the years they became family. It wasn't a church, but it sure functioned like one. It started as a Bible study at my cousin Molly's house. The crowd outgrew the living room so they took over a barn out at the farm, thus the name “The Barn”. Actually, old timers probably still remember it as “The Glory Barn”.
When I think of my times at The Barn, I first think of the worship. There was always great teaching but there was first a whole lotta praise and worship. The focus was on Him... celebrating how wonderful our God is! Building on this foundation of worship and solid Bible teaching, relationships were built that in many cases were closer than family. After a while, the folks of The Barn formed Christian Life Fellowship, an official ministry. That grew to include a Christian summer camp for kids.
Most folks refer to the folks out at The Barn as “The Fellowship”. And that's really what it was. But not in the sense of what I see at most churches. Fellowship usually means food spread out on a table and folks eating too much while smiling and always making sure their emotional masks don't slide down and inadvertently reveal too much. Not so with The Fellowship. These folks were truly involved in each others' lives. They shared a common heartbeat.
This can be illustrated in running the summer camp. As the older generation literally started dying off, new folks came in and started taking on responsibility. One of the biggest challenges was that little stuff was written down. The people involved initially were so connected on a heart level that they didn't have policy manuals or procedures written down. They just knew what the others would want to be done... and they did it. They communicated on a regular basis and worked through the inevitable issues. But most of all... they knew and were known. And based on this knowing “in Christ”, they trusted each other.
Nowadays, new blood has come in and while that's a good thing, they don't have the history of the old gang. Policies and procedures rightfully need to be written down. It's a new chapter. But, the old one sure was a great example of relationships as the body of Christ.
Watching folks in the Fellowship, I saw people feeling safe to be known. As relationships grew, masks weren't just taken off but thrown away entirely. As fellow believers, I saw them love and accept each other within a context of grace. I saw true authenticity displayed in the friendships and close relationships of the folks involved in the Fellowship. They truly knew each other.
While true fellowship is great, it is only as good as the individual relationships of the folks involved with their Lord. I confess, I was a slow learner on this one. I always enjoyed a passionate relationship with Jesus as a single guy. In that relationship, I found my identity. I found acceptance and grace. But, it didn't take long after getting married to try that same stuff from my spouse in lieu of my relationship with Him. Not just “not good”. Disastrous.
By not going to Him first, I wasn't getting my essential needs met... core stuff that can only come from a relationship with Him. And, by going to a fallible person instead of Him for my identity, I clearly set myself up for a fall. They couldn't deliver the goods, no matter how hard they tried.
Hopefully, I've learned that the most essential relationship in life is the one on one time I have with my Lord... with my heavenly Father. Based on that, I'm not only equipped to serve others but I'm not looking for something out of them they can't provide. Now we're just free to be... real. Being known by Him first, and knowing Him as a result, we can now enjoy knowing and being known by others. We can relax and be real. Friendships are now within the context of Jesus Christ making a way for each of us to cry out to our heavenly Father “Abba... Papa!”
Knowing and being known by Him also takes the pressure off of our other relationships. Secure in our identity in Him, we can now feel more free to just enjoy other folks and to also be used to touch them on His behalf. We aren't the solution. We are only part of His provision in the situation.
This seed of thought has spun off into some other side shoots which I'll write about more. But for now, enjoy thinking about how God knows you better than you know yourself. And He loves you just as you are. And as a result of Jesus taking our place on the Cross, we can now know God as well. What a deal!
Monday, July 4, 2011
They've been visiting at the prison for over thirty years.
Standing in front of the coin operated snack machine looking over a rather dismal choice of nukable (microwave) meals, another inmate's father said "We've been reminiscing about the thirty years we've been coming here. Back then, it wasn't air conditioned and there were big roll up doors along this wall. They had some screens up there but they didn't do much good. We spent all our time battling mosquitoes." My mind bounced between two thoughts. On the one hand, I was so thankful for the air conditioning we have in the prison visitation area (the gym) these days. On the other hand, I couldn't grasp the idea that they had been coming to visit their son in prison every other Sunday for over 30 years.
That's over eight hundred Sundays. Added together, their visits equal over two years worth of Sundays.
This inmate and his folks have become friends of ours. I confess that of all the folks at visitation, this family is more like ours than the rest. Looking out across the gymnasium on any given Sunday, I see a lot of different type people. Quite a few remind me of the old saying that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Some look like good old country folk visiting their loved one who went astray. Most look like a lot of Arkansas... poor.
Even though the inmates all wear the same white pants and the same white shirts and even though none are allowed to have beards or mustaches, this inmate somehow looks more respectable. Maybe it's his lack of tattoos and that he walks like a normal person; not strutting or shuffling. He is about my age though he has a lot more gray hair. His folks are probably the best dressed in the place. Not fancy, mind you. But sharp. They look like they shop at Dillard's more than Walmart. And he is their only child.
My brother has shared that the inmate's father retired from a high up position with the city. Not just one with workers under him but one where me might get quoted in the paper. They live in a nice part of town and even know some of our friends. They look like respectable folk.
Mother asked if our friend would ever be released. My brother replied that isn't an option. He's serving not one but two life sentences without the possibility of parole. It seems that back when he was in high school he killed his girlfriend in a rather brutal manner. Looking at him today, you'd never know it. His 30 plus years behind bars don't seem to have hardened him. He comes across as a really nice guy.
Then I think about the past three decades and all the things I've seen and experienced. A couple of failed marriages. A few dating relationships that yielded dear friends for life. Trips where I saw the Canadian Rockies and the Normandy coast of France and pretty much everything in between. I've dipped my toes in the sand of the Gulf of Mexico more times than I can remember. Meanwhile, this guy has worn the same white pants and the same white shirts for over ten thousand days.
He has seen other inmates come and go. He and a few others are there to stay. Today, he has spent well over half of his life in prison. In a couple of years, he will have spent two thirds of his entire life behind bars. I find that hard to grasp.
Meanwhile, he smiles and goes back to visiting with his folks. And we go back to our group of chairs in the air conditioned gymnasium to visit with my brother. But I can't get him out of my mind. Thirty-plus years.
Just then I'm remind of Jesus' words from Matthew 25: “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’
Years before my brother became an inmate, it hit me that Jesus didn't mention guilt or innocence in this verse. He didn't specify visiting only Christians thrown in jail for the sake of God's Kingdom like Paul and the guys were in the years to come. No. Jesus calls us to compassion, even for the guilty ones.
It paints for me a picture we are to love people right where they are. To remind them that they are not forgotten. Society may have put them in a warehouse and lost the key but they are still people with feelings. And they still matter. Jesus died for them, too.
Driving home, Mother and I talked about how my brother will be out in about two and a half years. We discussed where he might end up living, knowing he doesn't need to move back to El Dorado for fear of getting dragged back into the same crowd of drug users. Meanwhile, that other inmate will be marking off another year in prison. Then another. Then another. I may just keep on going to inmate visitation after my brother is gone.
That's over eight hundred Sundays. Added together, their visits equal over two years worth of Sundays.
This inmate and his folks have become friends of ours. I confess that of all the folks at visitation, this family is more like ours than the rest. Looking out across the gymnasium on any given Sunday, I see a lot of different type people. Quite a few remind me of the old saying that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Some look like good old country folk visiting their loved one who went astray. Most look like a lot of Arkansas... poor.
Even though the inmates all wear the same white pants and the same white shirts and even though none are allowed to have beards or mustaches, this inmate somehow looks more respectable. Maybe it's his lack of tattoos and that he walks like a normal person; not strutting or shuffling. He is about my age though he has a lot more gray hair. His folks are probably the best dressed in the place. Not fancy, mind you. But sharp. They look like they shop at Dillard's more than Walmart. And he is their only child.
My brother has shared that the inmate's father retired from a high up position with the city. Not just one with workers under him but one where me might get quoted in the paper. They live in a nice part of town and even know some of our friends. They look like respectable folk.
Mother asked if our friend would ever be released. My brother replied that isn't an option. He's serving not one but two life sentences without the possibility of parole. It seems that back when he was in high school he killed his girlfriend in a rather brutal manner. Looking at him today, you'd never know it. His 30 plus years behind bars don't seem to have hardened him. He comes across as a really nice guy.
Then I think about the past three decades and all the things I've seen and experienced. A couple of failed marriages. A few dating relationships that yielded dear friends for life. Trips where I saw the Canadian Rockies and the Normandy coast of France and pretty much everything in between. I've dipped my toes in the sand of the Gulf of Mexico more times than I can remember. Meanwhile, this guy has worn the same white pants and the same white shirts for over ten thousand days.
He has seen other inmates come and go. He and a few others are there to stay. Today, he has spent well over half of his life in prison. In a couple of years, he will have spent two thirds of his entire life behind bars. I find that hard to grasp.
Meanwhile, he smiles and goes back to visiting with his folks. And we go back to our group of chairs in the air conditioned gymnasium to visit with my brother. But I can't get him out of my mind. Thirty-plus years.
Just then I'm remind of Jesus' words from Matthew 25: “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’
Years before my brother became an inmate, it hit me that Jesus didn't mention guilt or innocence in this verse. He didn't specify visiting only Christians thrown in jail for the sake of God's Kingdom like Paul and the guys were in the years to come. No. Jesus calls us to compassion, even for the guilty ones.
It paints for me a picture we are to love people right where they are. To remind them that they are not forgotten. Society may have put them in a warehouse and lost the key but they are still people with feelings. And they still matter. Jesus died for them, too.
Driving home, Mother and I talked about how my brother will be out in about two and a half years. We discussed where he might end up living, knowing he doesn't need to move back to El Dorado for fear of getting dragged back into the same crowd of drug users. Meanwhile, that other inmate will be marking off another year in prison. Then another. Then another. I may just keep on going to inmate visitation after my brother is gone.
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